


BLUE

by slowly_taking_over_my_mind



Category: Jacksecpticeye Fandom, Youtube RPF, markiplier - Fandom
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Depression, Established Relationship, F/M, Fluff, M/M, Memory flashbacks, Past Character Death, SO MUCH ANGST IM SORRY, Self-Destruction, Self-Harm, Song Lyrics, Songfic, Triggers, What Was I Thinking?, no plan what so ever, sorry - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-12-15
Updated: 2016-03-03
Packaged: 2018-05-06 19:28:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 6
Words: 10,427
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5427866
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/slowly_taking_over_my_mind/pseuds/slowly_taking_over_my_mind
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Mark is dealing with Sean's death, which leads him to dark places to try and cope with his loss. Will he survive? What happens to him along the way? And what meets him at the end?</p><p>Ok, sorry for that, this is my first fic and I am complete crap at writing summaries. Please bare with me as we ride this roller coaster together</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Love, It's Hard

**Author's Note:**

> So this is the beginning of a new period of time for me so I may not be able to update as regularly as I would like to but that's how its going to have to be. Disclaimer: I do not own BLUE (the song). royalwriter is my beta, thanks to you! I really hope you all like it!

Love it's hard, I know  
All your lights are red, but I'm green to go  
Used to see you high, now you're only low

Mark sat on the edge of his bed, his head in his hands. He remembered his boyfriend’s laugh, his smile, the way that his bright blue eyes lit up whenever he saw Mark but the memories were slowly turning shades of blue in his mind. As his tears started slowing, he remembered that he had run from the funeral and people were probably getting worried. SEAN’S funeral. You may as well say it. Its real, it happened, oh god. And with that, he was pulled back into the swirling depths of misery, his brain dredging up his first memory of Sean…  
\---  
“Hey!”  
The sharp yell shook Mark out of his revive, forcing him to turn towards the sound. It was coming from a man about the same height as him, and he was waving his arms in Mark’s direction.  
“Hey, you!”  
Mark looked around, noticing that there was almost no one else around. He looked back at the man, who was now walking quickly towards Mark, his faded green hair glinting in the bright sunlight. Mark pointed at himself and as the other man grew closer, he saw other nod.  
“Yes, I’m talking to you; you’re the only one around! Did you drop this?  
The man held out a black wallet, flipping it over to reveal a small stylized pink mustache on the front.  
Mark, though he already knew that it was his, patted his pockets and when he found nothing but his car keys, he reached out to take the wallet from the other man’s hand.  
“Thank you, I never would have noticed. Not until I got home at least.”  
“It’s all good, don’t worry about it. By the way, I love the mustache on the front. What’s the story?”  
“Actually, my brother gave this to me, based off a nickname I had as a kid.”  
“What was the nickname?”  
“Um…” Mark muttered as he avoided the other man’s eyes,  
“Aw, come on, I won’t laugh!”  
The ridiculously large grin on his face said otherwise.  
“Ok, fine. It was ….Warfshashe.”  
The man laughed, a loud joyous sound, startling Mark into chuckling with him.  
“That’s very…interesting,” The man struggled not to, but he quickly succumbed to outright laughing again.  
Suddenly he stopped and looked at his watch. He grimaced and glanced up at Mark.  
“Ok, so sorry for the hasty retreat but my train leaves soon and we are nowhere near the train station.”  
He gave Mark a quick smile and turned to walk away.  
“Bye!”  
Mark was rewarded with a broad smile that he returned. As he turned away, he noticed that his cheeks were red. 'You don’t even know his name, you idiot. Stop smiling.' He quickly frowned and started walking back to his apartment.


	2. I Can't Say No

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, just so you all know, this whole chapter is flashbacks. Im sorry if any of the perspective switches are confusing. This whole chapter is fluff and adorzableness so enjoy! I had so much fun writing this!

Over the next few weeks, Mark sees the green-haired man around town a lot. Since the man had never told Mark his name, he starts to nick-name him Jack in his mind. Mark realizes that he has been thinking about Jack a lot, but that does nothing to stop him from daydreaming. This amuses Bob and Wade, his roommates, to no end. It’d become a game between them to count how many times Mark said ‘Jack’ in a conversation. Mark blushed remembering his two best friends teasing him mercilessly.  
\---  
Meanwhile, ‘Jack’, during those few weeks, had been doing everything he could to see Warfstache. He would walk around town aimlessly for just one glimpse of the darker-haired man. He didn’t realize how stalkerish he was acting until Felix, his best friend and co-worker, mentioned it to him.  
“Hey, why’ve you been leaving work earlier than usual?”  
Jack tuned away to his computer and its confusing new controls to look at Felix in confusion.  
“What do you mean?”  
“You usually don’t leave work before I do. I mean, I really appreciate it because this all is still getting off the ground, but you haven’t been staying around as often. Why?”  
Jack thought for a minute. Then, he shrugged.  
“Honestly, I don’t know. I’ve just been walking around town…” Jack froze, remembering why he took those walks.  
“What? What is it?” Felix looked very carefully at Jack’s face trying to discern what the other man was thinking of.  
“Oh it’s nothing….I just realized that I’m being kind of stalkerish.”  
“Um, why? What have you been doing?”  
“It’s just… I ran into this guy a few weeks ago, he’d dropped his wallet ya see and I got it back to him and got a closer look at his face and bam, I could barely get my mouth to work!”  
Felix was looking at him with an amused-filled gaze. ’God, I’m so glad Felix knows I’m pan.’  
“Sean, you are officially a stalker now. Come on, tell me everything. What’s his name, age, height, hair color, everything, since you obviously know everything about him,” Felix smirked at him.  
Sean looked at his friend sheepishly.  
‘I don’t….actually…I just…I don’t know his name.”  
Felix started laughing so loud that Sean was sure that the people in the next office over could hear him.  
“Sean McLoughlin, you don’t even know his name?!”  
Sean snorted indignantly at Felix’s laughing face.  
“No I don’t, but I know other things! He’s about my height, his hair is a dark brown and he looks roughly a year older than me.”  
“But you don’t know his name, Sean! Jesus, what have you been calling him?”  
‘Oh fuck. I knew I should have nick-named him something else!' Sean inwardly cringed.  
“Well, his wallet had a small, pink mustache on it and suddenly the first words out of my mouth made up the question ‘What’s the mustache about?’. So, he told me that it was given to him by his brother who used to call him….Warfstache.”  
If Sean thought that Felix had been laughing before, he was dead wrong. Now the sandy-haired man was laughing so hard that tears were coming out of his eyes. Sean let his head fall to the desk in shame, only to look up at the sound of a thump. The sound had been Felix, who had fell out of his chair and was now rolling on the floor laughing.  
“Fuck you, asshole. I never should have told you.”  
“WARFSTACHE ARE YOU KIDING ME THIS IS THE BEST THING THAT HAS HAPPENED ALL WEEK!”  
Sean glared at Felix, who was still on the floor. He knew that he wasn’t getting out of this anytime soon.  
“OH MY FUCKING GOD, I’M CALLING MARZIA RIGHT NOW.”  
Sean watched Felix jump up and run out of the room, presumably to call his fiancée. He groaned and hit his head on his desk. Now he never, ever was going to live it down.  
\---  
The next time Mark saw Jack was on a Wednesday and Mark, being swamped with work, thought it would be a good idea to take a short walk to calm his temper. Wade agreed.  
“Yes you should definitely go.”  
Mark was instantly suspicious.  
“Why do you want me to leave all of the sudden?”  
“I was thinking that you were hoping to run into your green-haired beauty again, since you’ve been seeing him everywhere,” Wade said with a smirk.  
Mark glared at him, but felt his cheeks flush. Wade started to laugh.  
“Caught you!  
“Fuck off. I’m leaving.”  
“Tell your Jack hi for me!” Wade yelled after him. “Also that he has a great ass!”  
“Shut up!” Mark yelled as he ran out the door.  
He huffed as he jogged out of the apartment complex, contemplating murder and muttering ‘they will never find your body, Wade.’  
He started strolling down the sidewalk in the direction of his favorite coffee shop. As he walked, he looked around, taking in the stark winter sunlight and the feeling of frost on his bare face. As he breathed, he watched the white mist puff out into the frigid February air. He soon reached the shop, quickly walking into the warmth of the building. As he picked up his drink from the girl at the counter, he heard a familiar voice.  
“Hey, it’s you!”  
Mark quickly turned to towards the sound of Jack’s voice. He smiled as the enthusiastic man waved him over to the table where he was sitting.  
“Never thought I’d get to see you again, man! How’ve you been? Also, what’s your name? We didn’t get to talk much last time and my friend Felix has been making fun of me for calling you Warfstache and he even told his fiancée and—“ Jack rambled.  
Mark snorted at the mention of his childhood nickname.  
“It’s ok man. My name is Mark, but I don’t know yours –“  
“Oh it’s Sean. So sorry, sometimes when I’m nervous, I start rambling--”  
Mark now understood why the other man was so jumpy. He tried to distract him.  
“It’s perfectly fine, Sean. Hey, do you want to know what I nick-named you?”  
Sean stopped talking and nodded. Mark smiled.  
“I called you Jack.”  
Sean broke into a wide smile.  
“Well, Sean is the Irish form of John and Jack is a nick-name for John, so you were pretty damn close, especially since I’m Irish. I, however, was all the way in left field.”  
“I guess that that was kind of my fault, I told you a story about my childhood, but not my name. Because, you know, that’s how you meet new people.”  
Sean smirked at Mark and then laughed at the faux pretentious look on his face.  
‘Gosh this guy is so attractive. What I wouldn’t do for a guy like this. But what are the chances that he likes men?’ Mark sighed inwardly.  
“I got to say, I love guys who can appreciate humor.”  
‘Well that answers that question.’  
“What does that mean?”  
Sean visibly froze but his now icy blue eyes fixed on Mark’s soft brown ones, now slightly freaked out.  
“I…um…I didn’t…um…I didn’t mean anything by it but…”  
“I’m sorry; I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable. I just…I don’t like teases.”  
All of the sudden, Sean’s enthusiastic attitude was back.  
“Oh thank fucking god! I thought that I had just outed myself to the wrong person! I’m pan. What about you?”  
“I’m bi, so you don’t have to worry about it.”  
“Why would I worry about it? Now that I know, of course.”  
“Because I want to ask you out.”  
Sean’s eyebrows rose dramatically and he leaned back into his chair.  
“Wow I never would have pegged you as a forward kind of guy.”  
Mark slumped into his chair, trying to make himself as inconspicuous as possible.  
“I’m not but…I don’t know. It seemed like worth a try.”  
“Wait, Mark, I never said no.”  
Mark looked shyly up to him.  
“Is that a yes?”  
“Yes.”  
\---  
Text from Mark: Hey this is Mark. Where do you want to go for our date?  
It had been a few days since Mark had asked him out. They had traded phone numbers and Sean had promised to text as soon as he could. Of course he forgot, with him and Felix already pushing the deadline for the starting graphics for the new game they were working on together. So Sean jumped guiltily when he got the text. He picked up his phone and quickly made sure Felix was out of the room.  
To Mark: Are you cashing that in for today? Because a walk in the park sounds lovely, if that works for you. I really need some wind down time.  
Mark replied almost right away.  
From Mark: Ok that sounds great! Wind down time sounds great right now. Does 2 p.m. work? And where can I pick you up?  
Sean hadn’t thought that far. As he thought about where he should ask Mark to pick him up, Felix walked back in.  
“Who are you texting,” said Felix with a suspicious look on his face.  
Sean tried to turn the phone away from Felix, but he grabbed the phone from him.  
“Who’s Mark?”  
Sean tried to get the phone back from Felix’s raised hand. He failed.  
“Is this the guy you are always talking about? Warfstache? Oh man, I gotta meet this guy.”  
Felix started typing a reply.  
“FELIX!” Sean yelled and he snatched the phone back.  
To Mark: Two o’clock works perfectly and you can pick me up at Wisteria Café, if that works.  
“Be grateful, I just set your date up for you. Also, I just gave you the green light. But I have to meet this guy soon, ok?”  
“Fine. And thank you.”  
“Don’t thank me just yet,” Felix said with a wink as he sat down in his chair.  
From Mark: That works just fine! See you then.  
\---  
Sean sat at the same table they had last met at, waiting for Mark to get there. He looked at his watch and sighed. It was 1:55, only a few minutes from when he last looked. He had gotten to Wisteria early, around 1:40, only because Felix insisted that he make an impression.  
‘How can I make an impression if there is no one there to see it?’ Sean thought sarcastically.  
As he started to look down at his watch again, the bell on the door of the café chimed. He quickly looked up to see Mark, smiling and walking towards him.  
“Right on time.”  
“How long have you been waiting here?”  
“About 10 minutes. It wasn’t so bad,” Sean said.  
Mark pointedly looked down at Sean’s rapidly bouncing leg and looked back up at Sean, smirking.  
“Whatever, let’s just go.”  
Sean stood up and grabbed Mark’s hand, marching them both out the door.  
As they walked in the direction of the park, Mark opened the flood gates. He asked questions about Sean, anything from his childhood to his favorite food (it was cake), and Sean asked the same from Mark. They talked out everything and nothing. Eventually, having exhausted all other conversation, Mark asked a question that seemed to be weighing on him.  
“So, why were you so stressed when we were texting?”  
“Oh well, it was just work. I’m working on this design for this new game that Felix and I are in the process of making and with a deadline too, which is shit.”  
“Who’s Felix?”  
“Sorry forgot I didn’t tell you. Felix is my best friend. We were roommates in college and somehow we managed to stick together. He has gotten me through a lot and me him”  
Mark paused for a moment. Sean started regretting mentioning the hard times, but Mark swiftly changed the subject.  
“You said he had a fiancée?”  
“Ya, her name is Marzia and she is the nicest person in the world. She is so kind! You’ll have to meet them soon! They will love you!”  
“Does this mean you are enjoying the date?”  
“Well, I suppose so. Enough to let you take me on another.”  
Mark smiled and offered Sean his arm as they slowly started walking back to the coffee shop.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> See its cute! Once again constructive criticism is wonderful, but please be nice. Also, thank you so so much to everyone who gave Kudos!


	3. I'll Color Me Blue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is going back to the present with Mark. Includes Mark and Felix's introduction scene. Hope you like!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (you'll notice that the lyric use is sporadic. But all the good lines are for later. don't worry about it...yet) Does any one recognize the cafe's name??? Also, I didn't know any of Sean's family so the names are made up. If anyone know them and wouldn't mind telling me, I would gladly change them. Thanks and enjoy!

_I want you_

_I'll colour me blue_

Mark blankly stared at Sean’s grey tombstone while the rain drizzled around him. After he ran from the funeral, he’d sat in the lobby sobbing for a few minutes before Marzia came out to get him.

“Mark?”

“Huh?”

“They’re about to bury his coffin. Do you…do you want to walk there with me?”

Marzia was crouched down in front of his curled up form. He looked up at her earnest face and saw that she had been crying.

‘That’s right; you’re not the only one mourning. She knew him longer than you did so suck it up and go with her.’

He nodded and almost started crying again when she looked at him with a relieved expression. She stood up and held her hand out to him. He grabbed it and let her help him up. When he stood, he tried to let her hand go but she clung on. He smiled at her, understanding that she needed the support and knowing that he needed it to. He relaxed his hand in hers as she pulled him towards the doors that had a path that guided them to the cemetery.

They slowly walked side by side to Sean’s plot and watched as his dark brown coffin was placed into the ground. Mark had to remind himself that Sean was not actually in the coffin. He had been cremated, and then buried under a sessile oak. Sadly, neither he nor Felix or Marzia got to see it because it was done in Sean’s native Ireland and the deceased’s parents hadn’t told any of them. Mark angered at the memory. However, he shook himself out of this revive as the pastor called a few people up to the tombstone.

“Would the following people please come up to the gravesite: Gwynham McLougnlin, Imogene McLoughlin, Felix Kjellburg, Marzia Kjellburg, and Mark Fischbach.”

Mark started at the sound of his name. He turned to Marzia, who calmly put her arm around his waist and urged him towards where Felix was already standing, his head hanging, with eyes filled with sorrow. Mark remembered the day he met Felix, how happy and energetic he had been then. He looked so much more worn now, so much older than his 28 years of age.

\---

Mark stumbled as Sean pulled him towards Wisteria, which was now their main hang out. Or, as Sean liked to call it, their ‘date-starter’, since it was where they met for all of their dates.

“Come on! He’s probably already waiting for us!”

“Who are we meeting again?”

Sean looked at him in exasperation.

“We’re meeting my best friend, Felix. He’s the one who got us together, remember?”

Mark had no idea what or who Sean was talking about, but he nodded anyway. He nearly fell into the green-haired man as he pulled them to a quick stop right at the café’s door.

“Ok, I’m pretty sure he’s going to love you but just in case he forbids you from coming near me again…”

“Sean, he’s not your mo-“

Mark was abruptly cut off by Sean’s soft mouth meeting his. He quickly got the message and closed his eyes, softly kissing Sean as he put his arms around his boyfriend’s waist. This wasn't their first kiss, but it was new enough that Mark would almost forget what to do with his hands. As Mark slowly pulled away, he noticed the amused woman standing a short distance away.

“You two done?”

Mark blushed and hastily tried to pull away but Sean was having none of it. He gave Mark, who was still frozen in embarrassment, a quick peck on the lips and then turned towards the woman.

“We are so sorry for blocking the door way.”

“Oh, honey it’s just fine. Are you cuties going in too?”

Sean nodded and pulled Mark out of the way as he pushed the door open for the still smiling woman and then lead them both in after her. Mark shuddered, looking at Sean with mortification filling his eyes. Sean laughed as he turned to search the tables in the café for Felix. He spotted him over by the far side of the café and turned grimly towards Mark.

“Ok, this is your time to shine. Just don’t do anything he won’t like.”

“Like what?”

Sean just smirked as he dragged Mark over to the table that Felix was sitting at. As the neared, Felix looked up at them and gasped.

“Sean is this who you’ve been dating for a week that you didn’t let me meet because I, as said by you, ‘would scare him off’? He’s cute, where’d you find him? Huh…” Felix squinted at Mark’s face. “He looks kind of familiar…”

Mark awkwardly held his hand out for Felix to shake. Sean looked on with approval and gave Mark a reassuring smile.

“Hi, I’m Mark Fischbach, Sean’s new boyfriend.”

“You’re presuming that there was an old one.” Sean said peevishly.

However, Felix jumped up, his eyes comically widened. The boyfriends turned quickly towards the now exuberant-acting young man as he jumped around on his side of the table, shocking a few of the Wisteria’s other patrons.

“I KNEW YOU LOOKED FAMILIAR, YOU’RE MARK FISCHBACH OH MY FUCKING GOD. I’M SUCH A BIG FAN OF YOUR WORK, EXPRECIALLY IN UNDERTALE!” Felix swiftly turned towards Sean, an incredulous look on his face. “OH MY MOTHERFUCKING GOD SEAN, I CANT BELIEVE YOU’RE DATING THE MARK FISCHBACH!”

Mark stared at the suddenly extremely loud and boisterous young man who was apparently Sean’s best friend. He looked away from the shocking and slightly amusing sight to widen his eyes worriedly at Sean. Sean looked back at him apologetically.

“I’m so sorry. I completely forgot about that part,” Sean turned to Felix, who was inching closer to Mark, who in turn moved closer to Sean.

“Felix, can you hold it together enough to actually meet him, please?”

Felix stopped moving towards Mark and turned his contrite gaze on to Sean.

“Sorry man. So Mark, tell me about yourself.”

\---

After the initial awkwardness, Mark and Felix started getting along pretty well. They managed to become good friends in minutes which pleased Sean, as this proved his previous statement was correct. They talked and talked, mostly about Sean, as Felix had a cache of stories of Sean during their college years. This meant that Sean was in a perpetual state of embarrassment and shame while Mark and Felix laughed through their tears. However, Sean was able to cut Felix off before he started telling Mark about their third year in college, the year that must not ever be talked about under any circumstances.

“Sorry to break up this happy fest,” said Sean, not sounding too sorry. “Felix needs to get back to work now. He’s pretty behind on his deadline.”

“It’s your deadline too, Sean.”

“I remember you talking about a deadline a few days ago, Sean. What are you guys working on?” Mark asked curiously.

“Oh just this game that we've been working on for what feels like ever. Ya see, Felix and I have a starter up and so for now we are working on games for other companies, like yours for example.”

“Actually, I think that we did use you guys for the graphics of a game a few months ago. ‘The Binding of Isaac’ ring any bells?”

“Oh, that was you guys? Huh, I never would have known,” said Sean.

“Well I did! That’s why I freaked out when I realized you were dating THE Mark Fischbach!” Felix then turned quickly towards Mark.

“Will I ever get to meet Bob Muyskens or Wade Barnes? Because I’m-“

“Huge fans of both of them blah,blah,blah. I’m pretty sure Mark knows that by now Felix,” said Sean with an exasperated air.

“Hey its fine Sean, I don’t mind.” Sean huffed as Mark turned towards Felix.

“Of course you can meet them, they’re my flat mates and they’re around me a lot. Also, I’m sure they would love to work with you, since they’re always talking about how well done your graphics are.”

The look on Felix’s face just about made Mark’s entire day. He smiled back at the squealing man and then looked at Sean, who had a wide smile identical to Felix’s on his face. He turned back to Felix when the sandy-hair man started to speak coherent sentences again.

“Well, since I get to meet your friends, you’re going to have to meet my fiancée, Marzia. And if you thought my interrogation was hard to pass, then just you wait.”

\---

When Mark and Marzia approached the six foot deep hole, Felix turned towards them and waved them toward the small pile of dirt. They all bent down to grab a handful and waited while Sean’s parents say their last words to Sean. After them, Felix went first.

“Sean, you were my best friend. No, you are my best friend. No one will ever be able to replace you in that part of my heart. No one else will understand our inside jokes and our third year of college that must never be spoken of. No one will ever be able to understand and combat my humor like you could. I love you man, and-,” Felix broke off, struggling to speak through his tears.

Marzia looked quickly at Mark, who nodded that yes, he was ok, and she quickly moved over to Felix’s side, pulling him into a hug.

“You will be missed. I won’t forget you, ever,” Felix managed to get out before he turned into Marzia’s arms. As he sobbed, Marzia poured her handful of dirt into the grave.

“I have so much to thank you for Sean. The day I met you, the first thing you did was say hi to me and to talk to me, about nothing important, just random things. I remember later asking you why and you told me that you couldn’t ever bare to see anyone to look so lonely and sad without as least trying to help. And you did help, more than you could ever know. You helped me to get out of my shell and helped me to become to person who I am today. Thank you for making Felix ask me out when you figured out that he liked me. Thank you for not complaining when you were the third wheel whenever all three of us went out together. Thank you for being there for me whenever Felix and I had a fight. Thank you for taking care of him whenever I couldn’t help or wasn’t there when I should have been. But most of all, thank you for being my best friend. I love you.”

When Marzia finished, with tears making her dark chocolate eyes shine brightly, she motioned for Mark to step up and led Felix to a chair on the side. Mark stared at her. He had never known how important Sean was to her or how much he had helped her.

Mark walked up the space that his two friends had just vacated and looked down at the dark charcoal smear that was the coffin. He poured his dirt on to it, watching as the light brown soil spread out, giving the coffin a more definite shape. He looked up at the small crowd that surrounded Sean’s grave and saw Bob and Wade in the front. He stared at them for a minute to gain courage and then looked back the coffin.

“There are no other words to describe how I feel about you other than I love you, Sean. I love you. You were the most important person in my life. You still are. No matter where you are now.”

“Huh,” Mark sniffed. “You always did take it a step further than I ever could, didn’t you? Oh god, why did you have to do that this time. Oh fucking god Sean. I love you. Why did you leave me?” Mark whimpered, trying to hold back his tears as he backed away from the hole in the ground and into Bob’s arms.

“Why did you have to go?” Mark whispered as he finally let go and cried into Bob’s shoulder.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, so I know this chapter sucks and I've been posting erratically. I've just been going through a tough time with my family, my friends, my anxiety and (possible) depression and, well you can probably guess. I'm sorry if this chapter isnt up to expectations and there are a lot of mistakes. Just tell me and i will fix them, if i can get around to it. Just, thank you guys for sticking with this and with me. Also, I may not post a new chapter in a while because, like i said, Im basically having a relapse. Also, this is late night posting so I may delete all of this tomorrow. Thank you all for your comments and kudos! <3


	4. I Want You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mark gathers up the nerve to leave. But what do the others think about his decision?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You'll notice new tags and that I changed the rating. But what do they mean (whooo). Their just wornings, dont worry about them yet.

_I want you_

_To color me blue_

During the entire week after Sean’s funeral, Mark stayed with Felix and Marzia. At first he had been worried about infringing but it soon became obvious that they needed his company to help reconcile with their grief. So he stopped complaining and stayed in their spare bed room.

However that wasn’t the only reason he didn’t want to leave. He couldn’t bear the thought of going back to his and Sean’s apartment so soon. Nevertheless, he recognized that he couldn’t encroach on the Kjellburg’s good-will forever. So after the week ended, he told Marzia that he was going to leave.

“Mark are you sure that this is the right thing to do? Are you sure you’re ready to go back?” Marzia said worriedly.

“Marzia, I have to go. I can’t live like this forever. You know that.”

“I know, I just…I guess I expected you to stay longer. Felix and I just want you to be as ok as you can be right now. We're just worried about you.”

“I know. But I’m pretty sure that I can do this.”

Marzia stared after Mark anxiously as he started packing the few belongings that he had at the Kjellburg residence into a small suitcase of the couples that he had borrowed. Mark packed slowly, avoiding Marzia’s eyes, until she walked out of the room. Then he sighed and sank down in the bed. He wasn’t really ready but he had to leave. Leave behind Felix’s red-rimmed eyes and Marzia’s blank, dead eyes. Leave behind the memories of the four of them having game parties when ever they finished making a game.

‘Leaving behind these memories to try and combat others is a terrible idea, Mark. Why are you doing this?’

“You know why, you’re me,” Mark growled quietly. “I shouldn’t have to explain myself to you.”

“Mark, why are you leaving?”

Mark closed his eyes at the sound of Felix’s voice in the doorway. He slowly turned around to face the very confused and angry man.

“Felix, it's time.”

“Who the FUCK says its time? MAYBE you should think about how WE feel about it, huh? Come on Mark! You can’t leave now! It’s only been a week!”

“That’s the POINT Felix! I’ve been leaning on your good-will for a WEEK. I shouldn’t have stayed. For some reason I thought that you guys needed me.”

“We DO Mark. That’s why you can’t leave now. We NEED you. We NEED your support.”

“No you don’t,” Mark said tiredly, as if admitting defeat, even though he knew that he had won. “I’m going home.”

Felix opened his mouth, as if to give an angry retort, but Marzia quickly butted in.

“That’s ok, Mark. But please call us at least two times a week. We need your support and I know that you need ours too. Please don’t…” Marzia sighed, sounding weary. “Just don’t forget those of us who love and care for you.”

Mark nodded and finished packing as the couple watched. He then turned around and gave them a weak smile which neither bothered to return. Mark’s smile fell and he pushed past them, moving towards the front door.

“I’ll…I’ll call. That I can promise,” Mark said, looking back and forth between his two friends.

Felix nodded, though he didn’t look to happy about it nor could he look Mark in the eyes. Mark turned his back on his friends and took a deep breath as he walked out the door. He just knew he was going to regret this.

\---

Oh he regretted it. He regretted it very much.

The second he unlocked the door and walked in, everything smelled like Sean’s sharp evergreen and cotton scent, from before he’d gotten sick. Mark quickly closed the door, breathing deeply, almost sobbing at the smell. He stood there for a few minutes, just taking in Sean.

He smiled sadly, but his thoughts were interrupted by a rapid succession of texts. He pulled his phone out of his pocket and turned it on to see a few texts from both Bob and Wade.

Bob: Felix just texted us. Why did you move out?

Wade: Mark where are you staying now? You can move back in with us if you want

Wade: hey, you gonna answer?

Bob: Are you sure that you're ok enough to leave?

Wade: What the fuck man?! Where are you?

Bob: Ignore Wade. Are you at the apartment?

Mark sent a quick text to both of them, ignoring Bob's first question: I’m ok, yes I'm at the apartment, no I do not want to move in with you guys, at least not yet. I’ll text later

That reminded him. He sent a text to Marzia, not wanting Feliz's wrath through text. He knew that she could be level-headed about it, at least more that Felix.

'Much more than Felix,' Mark thought, remembering Felix's explosion that morning.

To Mariza: Hey, M. I'm got home safe and am ok. I'll call you tomorrow.

Then he closed his eyes and remembered.

\---

“You know, now that we’re dating…”

Mark looked over at Sean sleepily. It was early, way before either of them had to get up to go to work. They were still in bed and Sean had just woken Mark up. Mark turned around in Sean’s arms to face him. Sean smiled at him as he ruffled Mark’s bedhead. Mark tried to duck away but Sean wasn’t letting go any time soon.

“What do you want Sean? I was having a good dream.”

“Was it about me?”

“Yes. Now will you tell me?” Mark said questioningly.

“What was I doing?”

Mark blushed and Sean’s questioning look quickly turned into a smirk.

“I should have known. Do you want to recreate?”

Mark glared at his laughing boyfriend.

“Not until you tell me what you were going to tell me when you woke me up.”

“Fine,” Sean grumbled. “I was going to ask if you wanted to move in with me. I mean you’ve basically been living here anyway. Or I could move in with you. Wait, you already have two roommates who probably wouldn’t approve of me. Or—”

‘He’s rambling again,’ said Mark’s inner monologue. ‘Let’s put him out of his misery.’

“Or we could get our own place or—“

“Sean, getting our own place sounds wonderful. But don’t you think we’re moving this too fast?"

The look on Sean’s face said that he’d been worrying about it too.Mark continued.

“I mean, we only started dating-dating a month ago. I just met Felix and Marzia a week ago. You haven’t even met Bob or Wade yet. Oh fuck, they’ve wanted to meet you ever since we first talked.”

Sean quickly interrupted, bringing Mark back to the current issue while connecting it to their other problem.

“How about I meet them first and ask them what they think. Then we can make a decision. I can ask Marzia about it also. Felix would be hopeless at something like this.”

Mark thought for a minute.

‘It sounds like a pretty good idea,' he thought.

“Ok. I’ll call them…right after I finish sleeping.”

Sean snorted but allowed Mark to cuddling into his chest.

“Ok.” Sean smiled down at his little snuggle bear.

“Stop staring at me and come underneath the blanket.”

"You know, you're eventually going to have to tell me about that dream you were having."

"Shut the fuck up, Sean."

Sean smirked at his boyfriend’s childish tone and complied.

\---

A few hours later, Mark sat up causing Sean to wine at the now lack of warmth. Mark stood up and smiled down on Sean, who was glaring because Mark had thrown the blanket off of both of them when he’d gotten up.

“I’m going to call them now.”

“You want me to meet them today?”

“Ya, why not? Do you want a few days prep?”

“No, I just wasn’t expecting it to be right away. I mean it is only 9.”

“So they’ll be awake, hopefully. I mean, Bob usually gets up around this time. I figured we could get it over with as soon as possible.”

Sean shrugged, nodding when Mark looked at him for the ok. Mark smiled and went to call Bob.

\---

Bob rolled over with a groan when he heard his phone start playing American Idiot, which meant that Mark was calling.

‘That must be what woke me up,’ he grumbled, picking up and cutting of Billy Joe Armstrong in the middle of the refrain.

"Good Morning, Bob!"

‘Idiot indeed,’ Bob whispered before answering Mark.

“What up, man?”

“Did I wake you up?”

“Yes, but I’m glad you did or else I would have missed hearing you talk about Jack,” teased Bob. “Anything new ‘bout him?”

“Bob, I told both you and Wade that his name is Sean. Why do you insist on calling him Jack?"

Bob heard muffled laughter from the other end. He smirked. They’d stayed the night together.

‘I mean, I know that they did, Mark not coming home after their date last night, but its always good to have evidence to the fact. Especially after what happened last year…’

Bob shook his head, not wanting to bring it up again, even in his own head.

‘At least now he has Sean.’

“Anyway Bob,” said Mark, making Bob come to again. “I was wondering if you and Wade would like to join Sean and I for lunch or something. He really wants to meet you guys.”

“I say yes, but I can’t answer for Wade. I’ll ask him when he wakes up.”

“Ok, can do. Meet at Wisteria around 1?”

“Got it. I’ll pass it on.”

“Bye.”

“Bya Bob!” said a voice that Bob didn’t recognize.

‘Must be Sean, he has an Irish accent. He's Irish right?’

“Bye Mark, Jack.”

There was a huff from Mark and a giggle from Sean and then the line went dead when Mark hung up. Bob smirked, happy for the two men.

‘They seem so happy…for the month that they’ve been together. Wow,’ Bob paused, counting the days. ‘It took Mark a month to finally let us meet Sean.’

Bob smiled and gently shook his head as he stood from his bed and walked to the kitchen to start breakfast.

\---

About a half an hour later, Wade trudged in as Bob was finishing his waffles.

“Good morning, Sleeping Beauty.”

Wade just grumbled, needing coffee to become a functional human being. Luckily, Bob had made a fresh pot a few minutes before. If he hadn’t Wade would have flipped. Bob waited calmly for Wade to have a few minutes nursing his coffee before explaining the days agenda.

“So Wade, we’re going to have lunch out today. At Wisteria specifically.”

Wade looked over at him suspiciously.

“Why?”

Bob grinned.

“Because, Mark’s finally letting us meet Jack.”

Wade jumped up, a wide grin on his face.

“Fucking God, finally. Now I get to terrorize him with storied about Mark.”

He gave Wade a warning look.

“But not those stories, ok?”

Wade had been looking at his coffee cup with glee but quickly looked up at Bob, who saw the anger in the other man’s gaze.

“Why the fuck do you think I would tell any body about that unless Mark gave the ok? Do you really think so little of me?”

“No I don’t, but sometimes you get carried away and you don’t even notice.”

Wade continued glaring at Bob. Bob pressed on, through Wade’s very apparent anger.

“You know exactly what I’m talking about. Anyway, Sean’s been the best thing for Mark for a while. Mark will probably tell us if he tells Sean about his last few years. Just…be careful, ok?”

“Fine,” Wade growled. “When are we meeting them?”

\---

Luckily for Mark, the lunch went great. Bob was very accepting of Sean and Mark watched with a wide smile as they became fast friends. Wade however was a little harder to convince. He asked Sean personal and probing questions, most of which Mark didn’t let Sean answer, though he would have. Eventually Wade let up and actually started to like Mark’s green-haired boyfriend, though he wouldn’t admit it. Bob and Wade both gave their approval to the couple’s idea about buying an apartment. The two roommates were very excited for the couple. But Bob was mostly happy with Wade.

“Thank you Wade,” said Bob happily.

“You almost screwed that whole thing.”

“Hey, I did pretty good considering what I did to _your_ last boyfriend. You were right though, Jack seems to be good for Mark.”

“His name is Sean, you know.”

Wade looked at Bob indignantly.

“He said it was ok!”

Bob just laughed.

\---

Mark finally resurfaced, coming to in their bed. He had no memory of going in to their room or even leaving the living room.

‘Oh well, at least now I’m half way ready for bed,’ he thought, noticing that it was around his bed time.

But he wasn’t tired, just sad.

‘I guess that was my sleep,’ he thought morosely, getting of their bed and walking down the hallway.

He paused in the living room, seeing Sean’s favorite blue hoodie thrown carelessly over the armchair. He smiled, forgetting for a moment that Sean was dead.

Once again he found himself crying into an article of Sean’s clothing, trying to hold his shit together.

Instead, he ended up crying himself to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sO SO sorry that this has taken so long. It was an intense week, few days, I dont really know any more. It also might be a little while before the next chapter bc schools starting again (boo). Thank you all so much for hanging in there and for every one who Kudosed. Also, a special thanks to everyone who commented. I was going to reply to all of you, expecially since all of the comments were so nice! So thank thank thank you all!


	5. Control

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> !!!!IMPORTANT!!!!  
>  This has a serious trigger warning. If you think that this will trigger you, please skip this altogether. The information in this chapter will be talked about in later chapters in a less triggering way. Please, please skip this if you have had or are having problems with: self-harm and/or suicide. Depression and anxiety are talked about a bit but not in a revealing way. Please be safe. This triggered me while I was writing this. That is one reason why this took a month. I'm very sorry for that. School and me and my girlfriend, they all take up time, some in a good way others in a not so good way. But hey, I definitely glad I'm back to this fic.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am going to summarize it in the notes at the bottom for anyone who doesn't want to miss anything, but is worried about being triggered. This is probably going to be the worst chapter, but ill warn you guys if there is a worse one. Also: CRY!!! He'll be in the next chapter, don't you worry ; )  
> Also (again, sorry): All of the information in this chapter about, well all of it, was based on my own experience with those things. If something looks or is not right tell me and I'll see if its something I can fix. But remember, everyone's experience is different.

_swore I’d never lose control_

 

The next few weeks went by with a blur of working late and worried friends. The first week was the hardest, being in their apartment frequently brought up memories of Sean that dug into Mark’s skin like shards of glass.

However, he soon became numb to the sharpness and the memories became less and less frequent until, about a month into his self-prescribed isolation, they disappeared. Mark wasn’t forgetting; it was worse than that. He was beginning to not care.

This worried his friends, especially Bob and Wade, who knew the signs. They would call or visit Mark as often as they could, sometimes bringing Marzia or Felix along. Whenever they went over to Mark’s apartment, Mark would always seem as if he was doing ok, under the circumstances. At first, this was enough for Marzia and Felix, who hadn’t known Mark before he was Sean’s boyfriend. So, Bob and Wade, though they knew that this should be Mark’s tale to tell, explained to the couple the situation after leaving Mark’s on a Saturday night, Bob having convinced the couple to go back to his and Wade’s place to chat.

“He seems like he’s doing ok, doesn’t he Marzia?” asked Felix hopefully as he made himself comfortable on the couch.

“Almost, but…” Marzia paused, walking to sit by her husband. “Sometimes I see him drop his smile when he thinks we aren’t looking. Or is it just me?”

Bob quickly jumped in, grabbing the opportunity by the tail.

“No, it’s not just you. Trust me.”

“Why is he doing that?” questioned Marzia.

Bob looked at Wade, who nodded. They’d talked about it before, and both of them wanted to tell the couple. But Bob just wanted to make sure.

“They deserve to know, Bob. It’s the only way they’ll understand.” Bob turned back to the couple with obvious hesitance.

“Ok, we’re going to tell you guys something about Mark that you cannot tell anyone, even Mark, until he’s ready for you to know. I shouldn’t really be telling you this, but we both believe that this will help you guys to comprehend what Mark is going through right now. This must be kept in confidence, ok?”

Marzia was nodding even before Bob had finished talking, but Felix was a bit more hesitant, squinting suspiciously at his two friends. Marzia turned towards him questioningly.

“I don’t know if I feel comfortable knowing something about Mark this personal, especially since he is not the one telling me.”

Felix paused looking down at his feet. Bob looked at Wade, who continues staring at Felix, waiting for him to continue. Then Felix looked up, with obvious fear and sadness in his eyes, like he already knew what they would be talking about.

“But I want to help Mark in any way that I can. So yes, I’ll keep it secret.”

“Ok, thank you both for your word.” Bob paused, wondering how to proceed. Luckily, Wade started for him.

“Mark has depression.”

Felix froze at the word, while Marzia quickly turned towards her husband, grabbing his hand. Bob saw Wade hesitate at the strange reaction from their friends.

“He also has anxiety and a history of um-"

Wade stuttered, looking rapidly between the couple apprehensively. Bob just looked on helplessly as Felix interrupted.

“Self-harm?” Felix asked quietly, his eyes tightly closed. Marzia pulled him into her arms and looked over at Wade, eyes sad and spoke.

“So did Sean. It was really bad during our college years. It was very hard on Felix and me, knowing that he was hurting and that we could do nothing for him except be there for him.”

Bob and Wade exchanged a long look until turning back to Marzia, both of them nodding.

“Mark was really bad about two years ago. Wade and I had no idea at first because he would act normal around us and at work. It took us months. Months were we could have been helping our friend. We only found out was when Mark took of his sweat shirt one day in work.” Bob swallowed hard.

“I don’t think we reacted very well. Mark was so angry and so was Wade,” he looked sadly at Wade, who looked down at his shoes in shame. “It took a week to get him to talk to us again and another few weeks to get him to see a therapist.”

Bob fell back a bit, letting Wade take over the story again.

“Even then it really wasn’t enough. Mark was listless and so, so angry, all the time. He was throwing himself at his work as if to distract himself from everything. Some nights I would wake up in the early hours of the morning and his light would still be on. But, it’d been a few months by then and we thought that he was getting better he told us he was feeling better,” Wade added, but was unable to continue.

Bob took a deep breath and dived in.

“Then Mark tried to commit suicide.”

Felix buried his head into Marzia’s shoulder while she just stared at Bob, tears filling her eyes. Bob looked back into her eyes, his starting to fill too.

“We got home one day and found him lying on the floor of his room, an empty pill bottle on the bed and a shattered glass by his hand, both of which were covered in blood. His blood.” Bob paused, struggling to compose himself.

“We rushed him to the hospital just in time. He was so angry at us,” Bob sobbed out.

Wade sat down heavily next to Bob, pulling the other man to his side. Bob slowly acknowledged his presence, turning to hug him back. The four friends sat in silence for a good 10 minutes, absorbing in information. That is, until Felix pulled away from Marzia.

\---

“Sean would have hated me for telling you this, especially in this way, but I feel like you both deserve to know. And since you’ve trusted us with Mark, I know that we can trust you with Sean.”

Bob and Wade just nodded, and Felix looked at Marzia, who smiled sadly up at Felix and indicated that he should continue. Felix turned towards Bob and Wade, who were huddling together on the opposite couch.

“Ok, so, I told you how Sean and I became friends when we were in college, right? Well, he was...ok for the first two years of college. He was doing well, he had a boyfriend, who we’ll talk about later, and all in all, life was good. Until it wasn’t.”

Felix took a slow breath in, huffing it out quickly.

“The next year wasn’t as easy. At first he seemed ok, with the occasional mood swing, which was normal for him you know? But they got more and more frequent and violent. Like, one moment he’d be laughing at a joke I told him and the next he’d be yelling at me because my music was playing to loud. We would talk it out each time and after a little bit I-“ Felix swallowed. “ _We_ thought he was getting better.”

Bob nodded and watched Wade, who just kept staring intensely at Felix.

“And then his boyfriend broke up with him.”

Wade looked shocked, glancing between both Felix and Marzia, both of whom looked angry and sad.

“Sean’s boyfriend was called Cry. He never told anyone him real name, none of us ever knew why. But it never mattered. Sean and Cry had been dating for just over two years. Two years. And Cry broke up with him because he couldn’t take it. But honestly, Marzia and I weren’t as upset with him as we could have been.”

“Why not?!” Wade busted in, leaning forward as if to stand. “Did he even have a good explanation?!”

“I was getting to that,” Felix said peevishly. “Wait a moment, will you?”

Wade looked slightly sheepish, wisely keeping him mouth shut. He leaned back next to Bob, who indicated that Felix should continue.

“Cry did have a good explanation, one that we should have seen coming. Sean, based on what Cry told us, was suicidal. Cry was a psych major, he knew the signs. He’d been trying to help Sean, trying to get him to go see a therapist or talk to someone other than him. But Cry couldn’t get through to him. He was watching Sean sink while he was forced to just watch. I definitely understand why Cry had to step away. But…” Felix faltered, as if he was choking. He turned to look at Marzia, leaving his eyes on her as he continued.

“Cry told us that he’d been trying for a few months. Months he said. And Marzia and I, we’d never even noticed. But he worst part-,”Felix shuddered, trying to hold in his tears.“Was when we saw his arms. They weren’t covered like you’d expect. There were only a few, strategically placed near the elbow so that he could roll up his sleeves and not worry about people noticing. But they were deep. Some were a pale white, others clearish with a light ring of red around them. And yet others that had just scabbed over.”

And with that Felix was sobbing, Marzia curled around him on the couch as she tried to sooth him. Bob and Wade looked at each other sadly, Bob tearing up as he watched the couple try to regain their composure.

'Marks were different than that,’ Bob thought. ‘But it really doesn’t matter what they look like does it?’

“Do you think they knew? About each other?” asked Bob.

“Sean told us that he told Mark, but we didn’t hear anything else about it,” said Marzia, relatively calmly for a woman who had tears running down her face.

“Mark never told us, but I guess I get why now. I just wish that Bob and I didn’t have to find out from someone other than Mark or Sean,” said Wade sadly.

Marzia nodded sympathetically, still hugging Felix to her chest.

“We should probably try to get Mark to a therapist, huh?" Wade continued. "They might be able to help more then we can.”

Marzia looked down at Felix and then reached into her purse, handing Bob a small business card.

“Here’s the best one we know.”

\---

When Mark woke up, the first thing he did was roll to his opposite side, away from the sunlight streaming in from the window and fall back asleep. Sadly, he’d rolled onto Sean’s side of the bed, which instantly woke him up. He jerked away, falling out of the bed and onto the floor in a tangle of sheets.

‘Guess it’s time to get up.’

Mark groaned and stood up, untangling himself in the process. When he walked into the kitchen, the first thing he noticed was a to-go container and a note. He picked up the note and read it.

‘Mark,

I knew that you were going to sleep in so Bob and I brought you some food from that breakfast place you like so much. I still don’t know why because it’s always so cold in there. Brrr! Anyway, attached to this note is a business card for a therapist that Felix and Marzia know. I know that you won’t agree to this right away, but please think about it. We all just want you to be safe and to help you heal, but Bob and I both know that you are going to need more than just us to do so. Please call them.

\--Wade’

Mark picked up the business card, which had fallen on the floor in his haste to get to the note and food. It read:

'Dr. Tristyn Grimur, PhD.'

Mark stared at it, but the card didn’t disappear. It continued to hold the message that he didn't want to see. After a minute, he sighed.

‘It worked last time. It should help this time.' Mark paused, thinking.

'I guess I can give it a try.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So basically what happens is that both Mark and Sean have had problems with self-harm and depression. Bob and Wade tell Marks story and Marzia and Felix tell Seans. In the stories: Mark tried to commit suicide and both Mark and Sean self-harmed. There are a lot of tears involved. Remember: If I will explain all of this in later chapters in a more delicate way.


	6. Myself

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Therapy is an interesting concept. But in reality, it it hard to start talking. But once you do, it all starts to flow out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Unbeta'd and I didn't really check it over myself very well. Thanks!

_Only seeing myself_

_When I'm looking up at you_

Mark twitched, shifting around in the plastic seat he was sitting in. He nervously looked toward the exit, debating whether or not he should just leave. He’d just gotten up to go when the other door slammed open. An angry parent was dragging her miserable-looking daughter behind her.

“YOU CANT TELL ME WHAT MY DAUGHTER DOES AND DOES NOT NEED. SHE IS _MY_ DAUGHTER!”

A long-faced man followed quickly behind them.

“Miss, you have to understand. I know that you are against the idea, but your daughter needs medication. She has a severe form of anxiety. She needs to go on medication. Please listen to me!”

The man chased after the mother, who continued to not listen, slamming the door shut behind her. The man sighed and looked towards Mark, who had frozen in the corner of the room, having backed out of the fuming mothers’ way.

“Some people just need to sit down and listen about things that they don’t understand,” the man rubbed his face with his hands. “I do my best, but a lot of people, especially parents, refuse to believe that their kids need help. This hurts the kids, but parents don’t like being wrong.”

The man sighed again and motioned Mark towards the door.

“Your my next patient right? Mark?”

Mark stared at him for a moment before realizing that he was being addressed.

“I-um-yes, I’m Mark.”

“Ok, Mark. You ready?”

“I a-no not really.”

The man laughed.

“That’s ok, most people aren’t,” said the man, indicating that Mark take the couch.

“You’re Dr. Tristyn Grimur?”

“Yup. What did you come to talk to me about.”

“My boyfriend died.”

Tristyn lost his smile immediately.

“Ok, before we go into that, any past problems that I should know about?”

Mark swallowed hard, looking at the floor.

“I have a history depression and anxiety. I still take anxiety meds.”

Tristyn nodded, looking like he’d already figured that out.

“Anything else?”

“Well, I-“ Mark choked for a minute. Tristyn just watched him, recognizing the signs.

“I was a cutter.”

Tristyn nodded, writing something down on his legal pad, as Mark looked on, slightly ashamed, though it had been years.

“Just so you know Mark, nothing that you say in this room will be repeated. I will never talk about what you’ve told me unless I am worried that you are either going to hurt yourself or someone else. Is that ok?”

Mark nodded mutely.

“Ok. So tell me about this boyfriend.”

“Sean was…he was amazing. We dated for, god almost 3 years. He was exuberant and energetic and very loving. He always tried to do the right thing. God, I loved him so much. Probably the only thing that I complained about was his music. He was a serious metal head, but even then I-“ Mark cut himself off, looking at Tristyn’s now wide eyes.

“Are you ok?”

Tristyn shook his head as if to clear it.

“Its nothing. Please continue.”

“O…k…” Mark stuttered, staring confusedly at the doctor before continuing.

“We had a great two years. Then he started losing his vision. At first we thought that it was natural because it was in his family and he started wearing glasses. He looked so cute,” Mark sighed, looking down at his hands as he twisted them together. “His eyesight started degrading fast so we went back to the doctor, who believed that it was a disease called, um… retinitis pigment-something, or other. He put Sean on some sort of medication, but said that eventually Sean’s eyesight would be gone, that there was nothing that they could do about it,” Mark swallowed. “That was until he started forgetting.”

“Go on Mark. What happened then?” asked Tristyn calmly when Mark hesitated.

“It was little things at first, like where he’d left his car keys or where his laptop was. We’d laugh about it, calling him an old man, especially since his hair was prematurely grey. But it escalated quickly. I was starting to get worried, but he would brush me off. Then one day about a month later he woke up and freaked out. He jumped out of bed and stared at me in confusion. And then he asked me who I was. He didn't recognize me.”

Mark stopped, untangling his hands to put his head into them. Tristyn waited silently, knowing that Mark would continue when he was ready.

“It only took my name for him to remember, but I flipped out and dragged him to the doctors. They did a lot of tests to try and figure out what was wrong. At first they thought that it was early onset dementia, but that was quickly ruled out. Then they found the tumor."

Tristyn froze, his eyes taking in Marks blank expression, and opened his mouth. Mark just stared at the floor and continued before Tristyn could speak.

“It was tiny. So very, very tiny. Honestly, it was a miracle that they even found it. It was between the occipital lobe, the cerebellum and the temporal lobe. It was affecting his vision, his coordination and his facial recall. The coordination neither of us noticed because Sean had always been clumsy, so we had chalked it up to that,” Mark slowly shook his head in shame.

“It was terrifying at first. That something that small could change everything. Since it was small, the doctors believed that it wouldn’t require surgery or radiation. They said it was a grade II tumor at worst and put him on some drugs for a trial period of about three weeks to see if they would start work.”

Mark started laughing. It was a bitter, angry laugh. Tristyn started at the sound but quickly refocused on his client.

“It wasn’t a grade II. By the time the three weeks were up, Sean’s recall was getting slower. I mean, he knew who I was but he’d start to forget who Felix was or Marzia. It was heart-breaking for them. I had told them when the doctors had found the tumor, but not that it had affected him this way.”

Tristyn nodded, and watched as Mark rubbed his hands over his forearms.

“When we, Marzia and Felix came with us this time, since Sean insisted and I couldn't deny him, got him checked at the end of the three weeks, the tumor had doubled in size. It was still small,” Mark rushed to explain, “But it was enough that the doctor declared it was a grade IV and gave us options on how to proceed, though she, the doctor, believed that chemotherapy was the best way to attack the tumor. Sean said that he was willing to try it. So he started chemotherapy the next week.”

There Mark stopped. Tristyn paused for a minute to see if his client would continue. When he realized that Mark had no wish to continue, he spoke.

“Mark, I am glad that you shared this with me. Is there anything else you would like to talk about?”

He paused for another minute, waiting for Mark to speak. When the darker haired man refused to speak, his doctor sighed.

“Ok then. Here is my card, with my phone number and email, if you wish to make another appointment.”

Mark stared at the card for a second before picking it up in his hand. He nodded at Dr. Grimur and walked out the door.

\---

As soon as the door closed behind Mark, Tristyn fell back against his chair.

‘Oh my god, what just happened. Was he talking about who I think he was talking about? Oh please no.’

He quickly got up and grabbed his phone, punching in the number that by now he’d memorized. They responded almost immediately.

“Why didn’t you tell me who he was,” Tristyn hissed into the phone.

“It is his story to tell, you know this.”

“Not like this! You know how important he was to me. This isn’t something to be trifled with Felix! And if this is one of your stupid jokes, then it isn’t very funny. You can stop it now.”

“THIS ISNT A JOKE,” Felix yelled, making Tristyn pull the phone away from his ear.

“Sean is DEAD.”

Tristyn sat down heavily, almost dropping the phone in the process as Felix continued.

“Mark was his boyfriend, as you probably figured out. He stayed with Sean as he went through chemo. He stayed and held his hand as he died," said Felix, almost screaming at him.

Tristyn was choking on his shame, but Felix ignored the agonized noises he was hearing.

“I know that it wasn’t a healthy relationship and that it was better for you when you left. But I cant believe that you’d believe, even THINK that I would play such a cruel prank. This isn’t funny at all, you’re right. So please, _CRY_ , tell me why exactly you called.”

Cry froze at the sound of his old nickname. He hadn’t hear it in years. Not since he’d left Sean.

“I’m sorry, Felix. I shouldn’t have called,” Cry whispered.

“No you shouldn’t have,” said Felix, before hanging up.

Cry dropped the phone. He stared at it, willing it to set fire. A drop of water fell on the floor and he reached up to his face to notice that he was crying. He tried to regain his composure for his next client and when he failed he emailed the building secretary to cancel the rest of the days appointments, knowing that he had to go home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh gods i hate myself so much for postponing this chapter. As you by now know i introduced Cry. I kind of didn't want to write him yet so I put it off. For a month. I mean i just had exams and that took up most of my time, but no excuses. I will try so very hard to post a new chapter before April. I know that that is a large area, but I don't trust myself to keep my promises. At least this way i can try! Also thanks to every one who reads this!

**Author's Note:**

> I'm so sorry, please don't hate me. This is my first fic so go easy, but constructive criticism is ok. Also, sorry that its so short, I'll try to make them longer as we get further into the story.


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